"Facing the numbness wasn't just about recognizing it—it was about giving myself permission to step back, heal, and embrace the routines that would free me from the compulsions that once defined my days." - Andrea

From Numbness to Noise: My Unfiltered Journey to Feeling Again:

Hey gorgeous CollectHERs,

There was a time in my life when numbness was my normal—every damn day. I'd find myself lying in bed, staring blankly, or tucked away in my closet. Yeah, my closet. It became my sanctuary from the chaotic world and the spiral of dark thoughts. Hidden in there, I wasn’t just hiding from my family but from myself and my relentless fears. This wasn’t just a fleeting sensation; it was how I survived my days.

My mom, or Larry—God rest his soul—often had to step in just to manage the basics, like getting my kids to school, because I was absolutely paralyzed, caught in a vicious loop of despair and disconnection.

My days were spent crying or just staring out the window. My mind? A total fucking mess. I was burdened with worry—not just for me or my family, but for every damn soul I laid eyes on. Neighbors, strangers on the street—my heart ached for them all.

Eventually, I shifted my hideout to the basement—a deeper dive into isolation. It was there that the intrusive thoughts of my OCD went off the rails. Every tiny thing I did felt like it was causing harm. Simple daily routines turned into explosive minefields.

Consider my shower routine—it had to be precise, every single day. Start to finish, the exact same way, or else I believed a catastrophe would fall on someone I loved. This wasn’t just about showering; this fear seeped into every crack of my life, tainting every action with terror.

Driving became its own hell. Every time I got behind the wheel, I was haunted by the irrational fear that I'd hit something—or someone. I’d circle back, over and over, checking the roads, haunted by scenarios my brain cooked up.

But here’s the real kicker: I never believed I could get better. Improvement felt like a fairy tale meant for others, not for a frazzled, overthinking mom like me.

So, how did I start to thaw from that numbness? How did I begin to heal from believing that 'not okay' was my only reality?

1. Facing the Numbness: First thing was admitting to myself that this numb feeling wasn't some made-up bullshit—it was real and it was heavy. Numbness doesn’t hit you like a scream; it creeps in quietly, cutting you off, shutting you down. Once I called it out for what it was, I started to take back control and confront it head-on.

2. Seeking Support: There was no way I was handling this beast alone. I leaned heavily on my husband. I immersed myself in as much therapy as possible, diving deep into the work it took to heal. Opening up wasn't easy—it took me months, even years, but every step was worth it to gather the strength I needed when mine was running low.

3. Embracing Routine: Slowly, I built healthy routines that truly anchored me, breaking free from the OCD compulsions that once trapped me. Morning meditations, gratitude journaling, and consistent, gentle self-care became my tools for fighting back against the numbness.

4. Letting Go of Guilt: I had to get real with myself that it's not selfish to put my healing first or to take a step back for some me-time. Taking care of my own well-being isn't letting anyone down—it's making sure I'm strong enough to keep handling this chaotic life.

5. Celebrating Small Victories: Every day I managed to get out of bed, every meal I could actually sit down to eat despite not feeling hungry, and every drive where I didn’t circle back to check the road—these were the milestones that marked my progress.

I won’t sugarcoat it: the road from numbness to noise, to feeling and fighting, is messy and fucking hard. But it’s worth it, because feeling something—anything—is better than feeling nothing at all.

To anyone out there feeling stuck in the numbness, know this: you’re not alone. You’re not broken beyond repair. You are capable of healing, of feeling, of thriving. It starts with believing in the possibility of a better tomorrow. Let's walk this path together.

With all my unfiltered love ❤️

XOXO, Andrea